"Nothing creates more unhappiness than failed expectations." - Deepak ChopraLife would be wonderful if people did exactly what they said they'd do and plans unfolded the way we think they should. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.
When you don't get the job you really wanted, you love the guy or woman who lies and cheats while saying, "I love you," the car breaks as soon as you make the last payment, the flight that is cancelled after a year of planning the perfect vacation, and the list goes on, you feel as if the world is unfair and conspires against you. Why? Because you did everything right. You dotted every "i" and crossed every "t", so why does life continue to kick you square in the throat...hard?! It's not simply because you did or did not what was expected; it's because you expected a certain result from your role in the exchange.
What is the best way to deal with the disappointment that is often handed to you on a silver platter? Is it best to expect the worse? No. I'm no pessimist, so that won't work, at least not for me. The best way to manage your feelings about the crap that happens is to do all you can to lead the life your desire, step back, and make adjustments based on the results that appear.
I've had my share of broken promises, unexpected life-changing events, and deafening silences after prayers go unanswered, so I speak from experience. Still, I wake up every day with the knowledge that I am equipped with whatever is required to get through the following 24 hours. I believe and trust that all is as it should be. I, do, however have moments of pure, unfiltered sadness. (Some people may call it anger, but the word anger is usually used when you doesn't adequately identify your feelings behind the anger, but that's a separate discussion all together.) I'm human and was created with the same feelings and emotions that everyone feels. The difference is I don't let them control me.
What tools do I use to gracefully manage my expectations and negative results?
- Feel it, whatever feeling I have about an event/result, intensely...and then let it go. Staying in a mentally negative space is neither helpful nor productive. A year from now you'll realize it's just a waste of time.
- Live presently. I don't focus on a past I can't change. I also don't live in a future that is not promised. All we have is RIGHT NOW. I find a peace in it. I do what I can help shape my future with the understanding that sometimes crap happens, and I should, at the very least, enjoy each moment that I actually have.
- Allow people to make mistakes and forgive them when they do. I'm not saying people who treat you poorly should get a free pass. I'm saying when you forgive, forgive. Even if it means you have to let them go, especially if you can't get past whatever was said or done. All you can really ask from others are respect and authenticity. The rest is earned. If you allow them to stay in your life, constantly bringing up the past serves no one. Either let them stay with a clean slate or let them go. It's fair, and your heart will thank you for it.
- Understand that everything I want is not necessarily meant for me. For example, I remember wanting a job so badly that I was incredibly disappointed when I didn't get it. A year later, I was talking to a new friend about the company and learned that its culture was filled with management practices that stifled its staff and that employees left in droves. I wouldn't have been happy there after all. Every "no" is not negative. I learn to be thankful for them too.
- Surround myself with people who are positive, supportive and loving. When I forget who I am and Who created me in His image, they remind me. I truly love them for it.
- Find happiness in the little things, when the so-called "big" things elude me. A full moon, a chat with my mom, a laugh with friends, a baby's smile, a hug from my niece, a thought-provoking movie, a well-written book, a moving stage play, a Shakespeare or Doyle reading (preferably by actors Tom Hiddleston or Benedict Cumberbatch), a great glass of red wine and a sip of loose-leaf jasmine tea are all life's little pleasures that I don't take for granted. Find those things for yourself. You'll realize the realize the "big" things are less important than you think and are more or less made up of the opportunities to enjoy the "little" things.
- Read books that feed my soul. Chopra, OSHO, Williamson, Ruby Dee, Angelou and Cady are just a few. Words matter. Proverbs 18:21 states "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." Be careful what you feed yourself.
- Meditate/pray (whatever word works best for you) to remind myself that I am connected to everything and everyone around me and that my responses affect...well...everything. We live in a world that tells us that we are autonomous and should only care about ourselves. Look around. Read the paper. Watch the news. That thinking is causing us great pain and confusion all over world. I live my life by treating people the way I want to be treated. Sometimes I get the "short end of the stick", but I'm ok with it - after a while anyway. When I take my last breath, I won't have any regrets.
- Remember to love, even in the darkest of times. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." Joy can still be found in the lit corners of the darkest spaces.-1 Corinthians 13:13 (New International Version (NIV)
- Last, but not least, I remember that timing is everything. That delay you despise may save your life or place you where you need to be to receive a greater blessing. After a terrible break up, that guy or girl - who you thought you couldn't live without t- aught you the lesson you needed to learn to prepare you for the person you love now. A "no" could be a "not yet". Either way, if you believe all things are done for your good, it makes it easier to move on and thrive.
When the struggle is real, the each choice you make can steer your life's journey. You, and only you, can choose how to respond to live life well, so choose wisely.
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